Mr. Mark Miller, true friend, pipe-crawling engineer, vagabond musician, gentleman-scholar, got married this weekend to his girlfriend Nicole in a lovely ceremony followed by a crazy party and supported by three days of various other entertainments. Per request, I am providing here a copy of my toast:
Ladies and Gentlemen, family and friends, welcome guests; as an old accomplice of Mark's, I must admit, I never thought I'd see this day. It's not that Mark was a diehard bachelor who promised he'd never get married, it's just that he's simply terrible with women. He is a geek: he has a degree in Electrical Engineering. He tried to arouse women with feats of technical skill, but it didn't work. "Want to see my potato cannon, baby" is likely to get you slapped. He tried to pick up female engineering students - both of them - but they just weren't impressed by the size of his ... Radio Shack Voltmeter. ... (It's true. He carried it in a little holster. Practiced quick-drawing it.)
And all of this discouraged Mark. For a while he was only asking out women because I paid him five dollars each time he did. Don't worry Nicole, you weren't one of those. For you I paid ten.
But although Mark was slow in finding a girlfriend, now a wife, we shouldn't be too surprised, because Mark is slow at everything. His parents got so tired of waiting for him to move out that they moved out themselves - all the way to Tennessee so he couldn't follow. And, of course, we all know the story of how Mark spent NINE years getting his bachelor's degree, trying music, then architecture, before finally finding his true place in Engineering. Well, it's taken Mark a long time to get married, too, and I think for the same reason - he was just looking for the right one.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please raise your glasses.
Nicole, may you keep your sense of humor and your wonderful patience - you're going to need both.
Mark, may you finally learn to subsist on something other than canned beans and rice.
May you both have beautiful daughters that look like Nicole, and strong handsome sons that ... nobody will be able to explain. And may you share a long and beautiful lifetime together.
Good luck and much happiness to you both.
All together now, Awwwww...
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